Andrew's Anarchy by Andrew Stanek

Author:Andrew Stanek [Stanek, Andrew]
Language: eng
Format: azw3
Tags: Humor
Published: 2019-06-06T22:00:00+00:00

Chapter 16

Max and Gordon pointed their shotguns at each other.

“So, the IRS had a time machine after all,” Max said. “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

“Of course,” Gordon said smugly. “As an IRS auditor, I’m an expert at going back in time for tax purposes. You won’t escape me, Mr. Cash.”

“You forgot that I don’t just have a time machine,” Max said. “I also have a shotgun.”

He pumped his shotgun illustratively.

“I hope you’re using the correct depreciation schedule for that shotgun, Max,” said Gordon. “If you’ve been overestimating its drop in value to deflate your income, the consequences could be... unpleasant.”

Gordon pumped his weapon as well. The men started to slowly circle around each other.

“I’m here to audit your accounts, Max,” Gordon said. “Hand over your books and receipts.”

“You don’t have any jurisdiction here, Gordon,” Max said. “The IRS won’t be founded for seven hundred years.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Max. I’ve obtained this document from the Pope, giving me full authority to audit any accounts I find in this time period to make sure they are in full compliance with the Crusade Tax.”

Gordon reached into his jacket and drew out a piece of yellowing parchment, stamped with the Papal seal.

“Hey, that’s not fair,” Doug said. “I’m the Pope.”

“Nice small building you have here, King Otto. It would be a shame if someone had to insist that it was your primary residence for tax purposes, as opposed to some larger palace.”

King Otto clenched his fist.

“Obvious-Bot, this isn’t fair,” Doug whined to him. “I’m the Pope.”

“You are not,” Obvious-Bot said.

“Weren’t you supposed to make movie references?” Doug asked him, frowning.

“‘I had no choice, they arrived right before you did?’” Obvious-Bot asked.

“Eh. I’ve heard better.”

Sarah, meanwhile, was tapping away on her smartphone without looking up.

Max and Gordon were still aiming their shotguns at each other.

“Face it, Max,” Gordon said. “There’s nowhere in history that you can hide money that the IRS won’t be able to find it, and gain the legal authority to tax it upon its repatriation to the correct epoch. The Pope has already agreed to let me collect the lawful income tax on money hidden in this time period.”

“Why would you go this far, Gordon?” Max demanded. “The government won’t be able to levy taxes forever. You know that. Money wants to be free.”

“The government has bills to pay, Mr. Cash. Defense, healthcare, social security, the national debt, which is now above 100% of GDP... that’s why we can’t let you destroy the tax system as we know it. Now, drop your weapon and let me inspect your persons and time machines for any untaxed money. Also hand over Doug.”

“Why do you want Doug?”

“That’s for me to know, Mr. Cash.”

“Damn your persistence, Gordon,” Max spat. “This isn’t over. I’ll find the Ultimate Deduction, and then the government will be totally destroyed. Just you wait.”

“Maybe, but not this century, Mr. Cash. Surrender your books and the ten billion dollars in untaxed money that I know you’re hiding.”

Max goggled.

“How do you know about that?”

“Again, that’s for me to know, Mr.

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